Reflecting and Gettin' Real.

     As my time in California is drawing to an end, I've been reflecting on the time I've spent here. I will fully admit, this adventure did not turn out the way I had envisioned 3 months ago....

     When the plan to move to California first sprouted, I saw it as an opportunity to do all that I've dreamed of doing. Spend every weekend at the beach, find local and cozy coffee shops, discover off-the-beaten-path bookstores, meet new and interesting people, wander around L.A., find some random restaurant that ends up having the most fabulous food. You know...the stereotypical SoCal experience that's always portrayed in the movies. But, like most things that happen in movies, LIFE tends to take a different course.

     But, I've spent these past few months living with my mom and siblings; an experience I haven't had in 3 years, and a time that I can't replace. I could say I've met new people, as my youngest siblings (age 7 and 11 today) were so young when I lived at home, and I've only just now had the opportunity to see who they are becoming.

     I've become closer with my 17 year old sister. A new best friend. Which is going to make leaving that much harder. I've had someone to talk to, someone to complain to, someone to adventure with, someone to be silly with. This is time I won't ever get back as I leave them here to pursue their new life, and I head home to pursue mine.

     I've been able to live with my Grandma again (after about 20 years!) and that is something I will treasure forever. We've had lunch dates, gone to the gym together, and spent time talking about life and my Grandpa.

A song my Grandpa would play and sing for my Grandma. It always made her cry.

   I may not have had the ideal experience I was hoping for, but we did discover an adorable Japanese General Store, visited an Asian Market, tried new coffee shops, and even made an evening trip to the beach on New Year's Eve.



     If I had been galavanting around constantly, I wouldn't have taken the time to get to know myself. I wouldn't have taken the time to pursue what I love, to write, to paint, to create, to play music....

      I would have been too "busy" to want to focus on a new study my mom, sister, and even a good friend have been doing an online. The women leading the group have inspired me even more to not believe the lies that the world can throw at me about what I love to do. Maybe I'm not the greatest writer or painter, and I'm not rich from selling the jewelry and other things I make, but it brings me joy, and if it makes me happy, surely it can bring inspiration to others. 

You can read about my "Becoming" stories here and here!

     I've learned to embrace me and who God has designed me to be. If you would like to join in the 8 week, totally free study, visit this link. The study has been empowering for me, and I think it will be for you as well.

    
     These past 3 months have given me experiences that I can't recreate from the movies. This has been real life; time that can't be replaced. Life can change so suddenly, you have to hold on to these precious moments.

     As life slowly begins to become "normal" again, I pray that I won't lose sight of everything I've learned about myself. I don't want to lose momentum with my Etsy pursuits. I want to be able to continue painting and writing. It's going to be a huge adjustment as I head back home to the snow, move in to an apartment I've never seen, find a new job, and rediscover my relationship with my best friend, my love....

     My husband will be getting here today with his best friend and my brother-in-law. In a weeks time, I will be loading all my belongings in to the back of our Subaru, and making the 12 hour drive home with these three. It's going to be a bittersweet moment. 
     I know while they're here, we'll be able to create some of the memories I've been longing to make while I've been on my "adventure". I will be photographing every day and sharing them as I find time. Here's to squeezing 3 months time in to one week of adventuring!

Embracing Life

     When it rains, I feel somber. Melancholy. Pensive. And I love it. Sometimes, I wish it would rain for weeks on end. It's the perfect time to be still and reflect. To sit cozy with a book and a mug of coffee. To paint a picture....

     I've found myself the last two days writing. The thoughts just flow into my head and I record them without rhyme or reason. I'm not sure what the cause of this is, perhaps Holy inspiration, but I'm loving the freedom of expression. 

     I've been sitting down and letting the words flow from my pen onto the paper without really even knowing what I'm saying. No deep thoughts. No profound ideas. Just writing. Releasing emotions and thoughts that were hiding for no reason other than being afraid of my own judgement towards myself. Towards my words, my thoughts, my art.... The words seem disconnected; but it feels like another person has written these streams of sentences. I like it that way.

     I am praying to adapt this mindset always, starting in 2015 and beyond. My words are no less great than Charles Dickens or Jane Austen. My ideas and thoughts are no less profound than Albert Einstein. At least in Jesus' and my eyes. 

     I am the unique individual. From here on out, I will stop trying to please the crowd. I will begin to focus on me and the impact I might have on those around me. I won't be judgmental of my words and ideas because they are mine. They were given to me by Someone who knows my heart, my mind, my life. They should be used to inspire others and not meant for my own selfish want of the perfect sentence, the perfect journal entry. Does anyone else have this obsession with the "perfect journal"? 

     I have many empty journals. Yet I keep acquiring more. Why? Because I want to fill these pages with life, with passion, with love. I want the words to drip from the pages as someone reads my story and cries. I want my words to inspire laughter. Yet here sit these empty books. Many times have I begun to write my "story" only to rip out the pages when the thoughts don't flow, and the words become jumbled, and the story isn't perfect. Selfish. Absurd. Wrong. 
     
     I look at old photographs of people in days gone by, and I want to know them. I want to hear their story, I want to know their thoughts. But who will want to know my story? Who will wonder what I thought on a rainy day in 2015? 

     No story is more worth telling than my own. And that is a truth I have only recently accepted. The words of the world, their lies, have led me to believe that because I'm not a world traveler, wealthy, or a genius, that my story isn't worth people's notice. Not true. Each story, each of our stories, your story is special. Don't be afraid to tell it. There's no greater time than now, for there may not be a tomorrow.

     I strongly encourage you to embrace yourself this year, this great 2015 that is just begun. Move past the lies in your head, the lies that are fed to you. Become who you are destined to be. It's not somewhere down the road, it's not something you missed out on, it's now. Now. "The enemy lies to you heart to bring you down, but God is for you."

     He is for who you are right now. Be that light, be that love, be that story that you are destined to be. Explore your mind, your words, your actions. Trial and error is life, and the imperfection is what makes it perfect. 

     
     My theme for this year: I will judge myself no more. 

Empowering. Freeing. Peace inspiring.

Day Dreaming With Jesus

     Hi everyone,
I started participating in an online "Bible study" (it's free to join; just follow this link) and it was strongly encouraged to take time out of your day for quiet. For stillness. For alone time with your thoughts and with God. I took the advice (which I've heard many times and only today have put it in to action), and chose to spend this time out in the semi-tranquil backyard, painting. Here's what I ended up with.

     I had been wanting to do a dream catcher painting because 1. I love them and 2. a friend of mine did a dream catcher painting recently and it was gorgeous and inspired me! 

     I had a..."moment" I guess you could say as I was watching today's video from the study. Jeanne, who starts the study off, was talking about how we are all born with gifts. We are all unique. We all have a path of our own to travel. Obviously, the old saying "life is a journey" is true. But today (with the help of Jeanne), I realized that I alone was born for this. I have been called to this life, right here, right now. And it may not be perfect, and it's always a little messy, but it's the life I was born to live. That is an empowering thought! It also gave me a little perspective on my creative endeavors. It made me switch gears in my brain, and I suddenly don't feel this harshness and judgey feeling towards my own work. Because what I am doing right now, is what I am meant to be doing right now. Talk about the pressure being lifted!

     
     Jeanne talks about not focusing on others lives and gifts because you may miss out on your own life! You cannot shine if you are not being you and doing what inspires you. She encourages us to not hoard our gifts. We were given our talents, our brains, our passions, our gifts to share with one another, and to share the gift of God. 

     So be encouraged, dear friends! You are where you are supposed to be, right now! God knows your heart. He knows your desires. And he made this day, this moment, with you in it for a purpose. This is your calling!

     A little Scripture as I leave you this evening...

      So use your gifts, whatever they may be. They were gifted to you by the One who loves you and knows you best. This is your calling, your path. Take pride in it, don't hoard your gifts, and give the glory back to Him.

Merry Christmas: Sing Hallelujahs

     Merry Christmas my friends! I hope this day find's you happy and well. 

     Our day is starting off with coffee (the most important) and tearing in to all the colorful gifts. I was feeling more nostalgic this year, and found wrapping paper that has probably been sitting in my Grandma's house since the 1990's. So I threw pretty, sweet, handmade wrapping out the window, and decided to use what was already at the house for that touch of childhood I'm so desperately holding on to this season.

     This Christmas brings many emotions for people in all walks of life. For me and my family, this Christmas is laced with sadness. Many of you know, my Grandpa passed away in October, which makes this holiday season bittersweet. He battled cancer for many years, and thankfully we had the opportunity to come out to California last Christmas because we knew it could possibly be his last. Our Christmas was sweet and cozy, with all of us gathered around the tree and dinner at my Aunt's home with a surplus of good food. This year will be the same, but we all feel that piece of us missing.

     Grandpa was the most generous, open-hearted person you could meet. So many people loved him and speak about how kind and giving he was. Christmas and birthdays, we kids always felt so spoiled because he made sure to go above and beyond. He showed his love through giving. 

     Kind of like someone else. Jesus. We couldn't celebrate this miracle of Christmas if Jesus hadn't come to live among us. To love and to teach and give. He gave his life so that we may live. Let's just step back a minute from our Christmas hustle and bustle and really think about that for a moment. I mean really think about that. Can your mind comprehend the power of that act of love? Because honestly, it's hard for me to wrap my insignificant brain around. Me, being selfish, proud, sometimes hard-hearted...someone would want to die so I could live? It's mind-blowing and can bring you to your knees. Today, I pray, as you go about your day and prepare your meals, spend time with loved ones, listen to Christmas music, sing hallelujahs to His holy Name! In your heart, with your voice, in your soul.

"Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.' "

- Luke 2:13-14

     Be safe as you go about celebrating today. Shower love wherever you can. I pray that if today your heart is sad or hardened, you may find peace and happiness in some small thing. Try giving time or money or even food to someone less fortunate than yourself. Sometimes even a note or a smile is enough to brighten someone's day. So as we go our separate ways today and celebrate our Christmas, I hope you can revel in the beauty of snow, the miracle of a "baby's first Christmas", maybe your flight got delayed but you still arrived at your destination safe. There are so many things to inspire awe this holiday season from our Savior's birth to the tiniest snowflake. As for me, I will sing hallelujahs and shed a few tears of sadness, as well as joy.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Christmas Eve: Jesus Calling

     In the spirit of Christmas, I'm going green today.

     December 24th, Christmas Eve. I would like to share today's Jesus Calling devotional once again.

"I speak to you from the depths of eternity. Before the world was formed, I am! You hear Me in the depths of your being, where I have taken up residence. I am Christ in you, the hope of Glory. I, your Lord and Savior, am alive within you. Learn to tune in to My living Presence by seeking Me in silence. As you celebrate the wonder of My birth in Bethlehem, celebrate also your rebirth into eternal life. This everlasting gift was the sole purpose of My entering your sin-stained world. Receive Me gift with awe and humility. Take time to explore the vast dimensions of My Love. Allow thankfulness to flow freely from your heart in response to My glorious gift. Let My Peace rule in your heart, and be thankful."

      Check out Colossians 3:15 too. 

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful"

     Take time today to be thankful. Be thankful for your home, your family, all that Christmas day will bring. Be still and know that He is God. Without Him, there would be no Christmas.  

"All I Want For Christmas Is You"

     This is the first time in 4 years that my husband and I have been apart for Christmas. I'm not sure that the reality of that has even hit me yet.

A little back story:

     Rewind to 2010. Our meeting was not exactly...normal. I sat down at the computer and signed in to Facebook like I did every afternoon. I noticed I had a friend request and clicked to find a scraggly kid a little older than myself. I had no idea who he was. I had never seen him or heard his name that I could recall. We had no "mutual friends". At this point in my life, I had decided that mass amounts of strangers as "friends" was silly, so I never added people I didn't know. I hovered over the "delete request" button. But...something kept pulling at my heart.

The first family outing with both our families. We spent the day in Aspen, went to Maroon Bells and drove over Independence Pass.

     Being the true stalker that I am, I looked through his pictures; a tall, skinny, metal-head, skateboarding kid with crazy hair. Let's just say not my usual type. Those eyes though... and I proceeded to thoroughly stalk him on Facebook and Myspace (back when Myspace was still a tiny smidge cool). 

     After all that, I still wasn't sure what I should do. I had my fair share of obnoxious guys sending me requests in the cyber world and I thought that this might end the same way. But...something kept pulling at my heart.

The Getty Center in Los Angeles.

I clicked accept. And here is where it all started. I sent him a message saying hello and asking him if I had met him before, and he had no idea who I was, and didn't remember sending me a request even.

     I came to find out that he was searching for a different Tessa, but because I lived close, my profile came up and he thought "Well she's pretty cute." From that moment we hit it off, and talked online non-stop. Pretty soon we had exchanged numbers and began texting all day, everyday. At the time, I had a pay-as-you-go phone, and Girls, if a boy offers to buy you minutes so he can keep talking to you, you know he's a good one!

     My attraction for this stranger grew, and I knew he thought I was pretty at least. We agreed to meet in person for the first time at a frisbee game some friends at my church held every Sunday in the summer. And this crazy looking, metal-head agreed to meet me, surrounded by 20+ people I've grown up with and been going to church with. I should have known then that I had him hooked! He pulled up in his little green Mitsubishi and he and his brother and friend climbed out of the car. Now, I am not the most talkative person around strangers in the first place, so when I'm suddenly confronted with three strangers, it can be slightly overwhelming. I went over and met them all, and then walked away with one of my friends and told them I'd be back. Yeah, smooth move.

     I came back and sat in the grass with them, near him, and he didn't seem to have much to say. I felt awkward, and I felt like he was uninterested. I spent most of the time talking to his brother who is much more outgoing. Years later he admitted to me that he was so angry and ready to leave because I seemed interested in his brother instead!

He'll hate this picture, but I love it. At Newport Beach.

     We met a few more times after that, and he gave me many mix CD's. Classic "I Have a Crush on You" move. I played them for one of my friends, and every song that came on she would say, "Well, clearly he likes you!". But I still had my doubts. I couldn't believe that two people could fall for each other that quickly, and that hard. It was literally just a couple of weeks. I had been in relationships before where emotions got the best of me and things didn't end the way I wanted, and I didn't want that happening again with this one. 

     He came to my house to meet my mom, and of course, thought that she hated him. Which was far from the truth. The next day, I left for California. We talked every day, every chance we could get, and it was the first time I wanted to hurry up and get back home to Colorado. 

    While I was in gone, he asked me what I would say if he asked me out on a date when I got home (never been too secretive, this one). I told him he should probably ask and find out.

     On July 30th, 2010 we had our first date and our first kiss. And from that moment on, I knew I was going to marry this man. Six days later we told each other we loved each other (so much for keeping emotions in check, huh?). I knew that a proposal was in the near future. We had talked about it many times; our hopes, dreams, where we saw us as a couple. And on October 15th, 2010 he proposed to me in Aspen, Colorado and of course, I said yes. 

     We were married on October 27th, 2011 in Aspen at a beautiful nature center. It snowed the morning of our wedding so we had to move the ceremony inside, but it was small, it was cozy, and we were married. The years have been a whirlwind. We've had ups and downs, but I know that we can get through anything together. Imagine how different my life would have been if I had just clicked delete! It just goes to show that yes, love at first sight is true, and yes, some things are destined to be. Miracles do happen.

He  cleaned up a lot for me. These photos by the wonderfully talented Krystine Lewis. In Aspen, Colorado.

     So, even though I know this is just a bump in the road, Christmas without you will be hard this year. All I want for Christmas is you, Baby. I love you! 

At a Great Gatsby party in Boulder, Colorado.

In Aspen, Colorado October 2013. He reverted to his "old" look again, but is a little more clean cut these days. But I love this picture.

Star of Wonder

     I've never been very good at keeping up with devotionals. I still have a hard time committing to reading something every day. Which is sad when you think about it, since they're usually just a short 5 minute thing. But I'm only human.

     My grandma gave me a devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I don't remember to read it every day, but when I do I am glad I did. It's written as if Jesus was speaking, and it always seems to be relevant to the kind of day I am having. She finishes the page with a few Scripture references for further studying. Today's reading was exactly what I needed to hear today, and in honor of Christmas week, I wanted to share it. I hope it resonates with you as it does me.

"Come to Me, and rest in My presence. As you ponder the majestic mystery of the Incarnation, relax in My everlasting arms. I am the only Person who was ever sired by the Holy Spirit. This is beyond your understanding. Instead of trying to comprehend My Incarnation intellectually, learn from the example of the wise men. They followed the leading of a spectacular star, then fell down in humble worship when they found Me. Praise and worship are the best responses to the wonder of My being. Sing praises to My Holy Name. Gaze at me in silent adoration. Look for a star of guidance in your own life, and be willing to follow wherever I lead. I am the Light from on high that dawns upon you, to guide your feet into the way of Peace."

     I forget to slow down and revel in the miracle that is our Savior's birth. Try reading Matthew 2:9-11. Imagine how those Wise Men felt!